1,000 Wishes
by Kathey27
Summary: After thirty years, Dean finally has a birthday that doesn't qualify as a tragedy. / Or, When Dean turns one his mommy bakes him a miniature apple pie and his daddy takes pictures while looking subtly at the clock - because back then, it'd been work, not family that'd kept him going - and he gurgles and giggles and loves it all.


**A/N: This is dedicated entirely to the amazingness that is Dean Winchester on his birthday today! It's technically his 33rd birthday but season 6 jumped a year so I guess 34th…that still confuses me sometimes…whatever.**

**And this is more pre-Dean/Ruby than actual full on Dean/Ruby.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Enough said.**

**xxxxxx**

**1,000 Wishes:**

When Dean turns one his mommy bakes him a miniature apple pie and his daddy takes pictures while looking subtly at the clock (because back then, it'd been work, not family that'd kept him going) and he gurgles and giggles and loves it all.

(He'll remember later that his mommy had been holding down tears and his daddy had been scowling and he'd been the only one looking anywhere but at himself).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns two his mommy takes him to see a fair and they spend the day eating cotton candy and winning teddy bears and when he asks where his daddy is she only sighs and says he has to work.

He's been small enough to let it slide.

(He'll remember later that his mommy had cried herself to sleep that night and his daddy hadn't returned to the house for a week).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns three he spends the day with his daddy and he comes home with grass stained jeans and greasy hair and muddy fingers and he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

(He'll remember later that it'd taken him a while to fall asleep with all the yelling that had been going on downstairs).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns four he spends the day inside. He isn't feeling too good, he tells his mommy but when she leaves to go put away the cake and things he sneaks out of his room and goes over to little Sammy's nursery.

He climbs up onto the ladder his mommy always leaves for him and spends the next three hours playing with his baby brother and smiling down at that innocent, chubby face.

(He'll remember later that when his daddy had found him, he'd stood by the doorway and watched).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns five the day's spent in the back of the Impala, a baby Sam clutched in his chubby hands as their daddy buys them out a room in their current motel. He holds little Sammy tight with tears in his eyes because although he needs to be brave and strong for his brother, he misses his mommy more than anything in the world.

(He'll remember later that it'd been on that day that daddy stopped being _daddy_ and became _sir_).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns six he spends the day playing with little Sammy and keeping him occupied as his dad sits by the kitchen table, cleaning and sharping his knife. He entertains him and feeds him and keeps him safe and happy.

(He'll remember later all he'd gotten was a switchblade from his father and instructions to use it to protect Sam).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns seven he spends the day shooting bottles. His dad takes him out to practice and they spend at least an hour out there in the cold.

He gets them all down and when his dad looks down at him with pride in his eyes…that makes all the blisters in his hands and feet worth it.

(He'll remember later that all that pride had disappeared the moment he forgot to check the lock on Sammy's window before going to bed).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns eight they're staying at Uncle Bobby's and Sam gets the stomach flu and won't get out of bed.

Uncle Bobby's off running errands so his baby brother takes this as permission to whine and moan and clutch at his stomach and cry because it's still allowed and look at Dean with big puppy dog eyes and instead of going out to the yard and practicing his shots on some of the beyond salvageable cars like he had been planning, Dean stays inside.

By ten Sam is feeling fine and good and is laughing and eating fine but Dean's having too much fun to care.

(He'll remember later that for a little bit, maybe a minute, or even for a small handful of seconds, he'd _hated_ his baby brother).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns nine they're in Louisiana and it's chilly out and he's forgotten his jacket back in the Impala and Sam won't stop whining about having to stand so much.

He ignores all of this though because his dad is before him and he's teaching them and training them and molding them and all he's ever wanted is to please him.

(He'll remember later that Sam had gotten the flu two days later and he'd had to look after him while his dad was off following a lead).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns ten it's been a week since the Shtriga and his dad is still being cold and harsh and worrying over Sam and he gets to spend the day in the Impala with a box of licorice and a cartoon of warm milk.

He goes back inside an hour later to catch his dad telling Sam a story to put him to bed and he stands by the doorway because he never got any stories and he figures he deserves them.

(He'll remember later that he had been told stories as a child. They'd just all been about his mommy's death).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns eleven he burns his first body. He's too young. It's cold out and he feels lost and alone and scared and he's too young.

His dad is in the Impala promptly bleeding out two pints of blood and Sam is huddled in the backseat shivering and petrified and he can't get Uncle Bobby on the phone.

He looks down at the bones of the poor lost soul that'd managed to get the drop on his dad and pours the salt and the kerosene and lights the matches and watches the body burn.

(He'll remember later that he'd cried himself to sleep that night with his hand clutching that old and wrinkled picture of his mommy no one knew he still had).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twelve he makes his first gun.

Uncle Bobby's there and Sam's there and although he's just recently learned about what lies in the dark, he stares at his big brother in wonder and keeps asking questions and wants to know _everything_. Uncle Bobby stares at him with sadness in his eyes and doesn't say a thing.

It's a sawed-off shotgun and it gets jammed at least twice and he nearly shots the floor through but it's his and he made it and no one could touch that.

(He'll remember later that he'd only had to make it so he could protect Sammy. All he ever did was for Sam. It still was).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns thirteen the day's spent in detention with a ticking wall clock and an annoying teacher with a stupid comb-over and three other kids who don't look any more glad than he is to be there.

It's raining out and he's only been at Cromsy Middle School for three days but already he's chalked up five detentions and three demerits.

He spends the day seated before the teacher with the stupid comb-over that keeps giving him the evil eye.

(He'll remember later that the look in stupid comb-over's eyes had been yelling _you're nothing and you'll always be nothing and you'll go nowhere and you're going to end up alone and dead_).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns fourteen he finds he can't remember the color of his mommy's eyes.

The years have passed and things had been starting to slip away since he was eight but he wakes up on his fourteenth birthday to a cold motel room besides a restless Sam and he can't for the life of him remember the color of his mommy's eyes.

He rushes to his duffle and with trembling hands finds that old and wrinkled picture of his mommy and _stares_ until he can't believe he ever forgot.

(He'll remember later that he'd woken up to Sam gazing at **his** picture of **his** mommy and he'd snatched it away and hadn't spoken to Sam for a whole day).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns fifteen he _hates_ his dad for the first time.

They're in New York and it's chilly out and he's standing in front of one of the prettiest girls he's ever known and he is trying to explain to her why he can't stay.

She's warm and sweet and kind and makes him laugh and actually gets his jokes and he wants to stay. It's only been three weeks but it already feels like a lifetime and it's what he wants.

He leaves anyways because he's a Winchester and if there's anything a Winchester's good at, it's leaving what they want the most behind.

(He'll remember later that it'd been there when it'd started. That hunger. That need. That drive to have more. To have a home).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns sixteen he embraces the life. Hunting. He takes it all in and finally realizes that it's all he'll ever be able to get and he might as well make the best of it.

He goes out later that day and slips into a bar and ends up pressed against a brick wall outside of said bar with some redhead whose nametag read Mandi.

(He'll remember later he'd been trembling afterwards and had stumbled back into the motel room around four in the morning).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns seventeen he gets arrested for the first time.

One smartass comment too strong and he was inside of a holding cell with no paper clips and no Sam.

He spends the day with his back on a dirty floor and his gaze up on a dry ceiling and he starts to wonder _why_.

Why lie. Why hunt. Why keep living life this way.

But then his dad gets there and he's free and those questions, those _whys_, those doubts disappear because he's a good little soldier.

(He'll remember later that he'd only been arrested because his dad had wanted him to take care of the loose ends himself and be more responsible).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns eighteen it's a bit after Truman High and although he's good at being the love 'em and leave 'em type Amanda's words still haunt him the nights he lets them so he goes out and finds a pretty blonde and drowns himself in her warm hands and soft, low words.

He lies in the cheap motel room with a stranger pressed against his body and stares up at nothing and feels his heart skip a few beats because he _is_ lonely and he _does_ want more.

(He'll remember that day later when he runs into Amanda in a minimart outside of Denver. She's bright and happy and beautiful and still as right as ever).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns nineteen he considers leaving.

He looks over at a sleeping Sam and down at the old and wrinkled picture and feels his chest tighten because Sam deserves more than this.

He can do it. He can. He can go to Bobby because although his dad always manages to piss him off, Bobby never says no to him and he knows he can always go to him.

Bobby's good and everything his dad can never be and he'll help him protect Sam and live.

He forgets his crazy idea when Sam gets poisoned by a witch and he has no idea what to do.

(He'll remember later that he'd had all the bags packed and everything).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty he meets Lisa Braeden and it's the bendiest weekend of his life.

Lisa smiles and is bright and happy and makes him laugh and has gorgeous eyes and makes him feel alive.

She touches him like she means it and fills his insides with warmth and bends just so and when she trails her way along his back he shivers violently.

(He'll remember later they hadn't used a condom).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-one he spends the day in a bar.

His dad and Sam are fighting again and he's sick of playing mediator to an ongoing war and he needs to rest, if even for a few hours.

He sips scotch and plays some darts and hustles some money and goes back to an empty motel room.

He picks up the shattered glass and broken remains of the latest battle.

(He'll remember later that Sam had come back with a bleeding forehead. He hadn't said a thing).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-two he spends it, for the first time in years, without Sam waiting for him back at the motel.

It's only been a few months since The Fight and Stanford's only so many miles away and a phone call always works but he's feeling too weak to pick up his keys or his phone.

He avoids his dad and takes the Impala and goes to Minnesota and gets lost in another nameless blonde.

It doesn't help the burning pain but it does mute it some and he'll take that any day.

(He'll remember later that the burning pain hadn't been so much as for Sam leaving but for Sam leaving _him_).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-three he calls Sam. The gigantor doesn't pick up of course but he gets voicemail and it's good enough for him.

He plays the voicemail over and over again and lets the sound of his baby brother put him to sleep against the Impala window.

(He'll remember later that he'd felt a _burning_ hatred for his dad for a fleeting second).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-four he meets Cassie Robinson and he loves her.

It only takes a few weeks but he falls fast and hard and he knows he can't stay.

She's harsh and explosive and fuels all the rage he's been keeping dormant for twenty years but he loves her anyways.

She's angry and keeps him on his toes and makes him want to rip his hair out from his roots most of the time but that's only when it's_ bad_.

When it's _good_ she's sweet and nice and cradles him to her chest and runs her fingers along his spine and whispers sexy nothings into his ear.

He loves her. But he can't stay.

(He'll remember later that it'd taken all of his will power to continue driving out of Ohio).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-five he spends the day outside of South Dakota.

He wants to. He does. He wants to go and see Bobby and let the older hunter take care of everything like he always does but it's been a few years and thanks to his dad he no longer knows if he's welcome or not.

Sammy's gone. His mommy's gone. His dad's off doing who knows what.

Bobby's all that's left.

He gets into his car and drives away.

He gets a voicemail later and it's Bobby's scruff voice offering him a quick congrats.

He goes to sleep feeling warm.

(He'll remember later that Bobby had turned his back on his dad, not on him. Never him).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-six he decides he needs to see Sam. It's been too long and he won't pick up any of his calls so he gets into the Impala and drives to Palo Alto.

He gets there and finds Sam with a pretty blonde and a loud friend and his little brother looks happy and alive and safe and…and at peace. He looks like he's finally found somewhere to belong.

He stays for a week and follows Sam around and watches him and tells himself his brother made the right choice.

(He'll remember later that the real reason he'd gone had been to get Sam back).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-seven it's a bit after the reaper incident and he's feeling good and healthy despite the fact that his dad is still missing but then again Sammy's back and they're together and hunting and what more could he really ask for?

Except…there are still the nightmares and Sam's quiet, longing looks and the occasional awkward silences.

Except…they're still trying to find a way to reenter each other's lives and remold themselves to fit together and it isn't as easy as it'd once been.

Except…it still hurts, the thought of Sam being happy and it not being because of him.

(He'll remember later that if he'd fought harder for Sam, they might have been able to avoid those lost years).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-eight he's leaning against his baby and thinking about his dad. It's been a few months (189 days) since his dad's death and he isn't sure if he's cried yet. He remembers beating the shit out of his baby with a crowbar and a few angry shouts at Sam and maybe a tear or two but he isn't sure if he's _cried_.

He pauses, blinks and stares straight ahead before giving up. Nope. No tears. He'll chalk it up to hunting; he's too broken beyond repair to do anything but drink and curse. Happy freaking birthday to him.

He looks down at the ground and lets out a low chuckle because even in death, John Winchester was still finding ways to ruin his birthday.

(He'll remember later that he _had_ cried. But he'd been eight at the time and it'd been a late night and he hadn't been sure whether or not his dad was coming home that time and he'd c_ried_. Never again).

xxxxxx

When Dean turns twenty-nine he believes it to be his last birthday so he spends it with Sam and the Impala and a case of beer and it's all he really needs. Bobby had called earlier with a gruff congrats on making it so far and neither of them had mentioned that he wouldn't be meeting any other milestones.

Sam and him go out and drive and watch the stars and get drunk and there's no talk of deals or helpful blonde demons or anything but them two.

(He'll remember later that he'd been holding down his trembles from Sam and when he'd said he wasn't afraid? He'd been terrified).

xxxxxx

His thirtieth birthday…his thirtieth birthday is spent with his guts spilling out and his chest torn open and he really should have known. His birthdays could rival Buffy's for crying out loud in the fucked-up-scale and he didn't even have a vampire ex to shack up with.

He wants to blame it all on the stupid angels and their stupid seals but he'd been the one to get distracted and really, how was he supposed to know the psychotic ghost was going to go after him and not the gigantor trying to burn its bones?

So yeah. He's spending his birthday in a hospital. Did he mention his guts were spilling and his chest was torn? Okay, so maybe not spilling or torn but they might as well be with the faces Sam was making and if Ruby didn't like it, who was keeping her here?

From his position on the stretcher he flips her off weakly and as he gets wheeled away he catches sight of a small grin on her face.

He wakes up later to a white room and scratchy sheets and there's a demon sitting by his bedside.

His chest still hurts like a bitch and his sides ache and his throat's dry and he can barely move his legs.

"Did I die?" He grumbles because that's exactly what it feels like.

"Relax Winchester. You're still very much with the living."

He groans at the sound of that voice. It figures Sam would leave them alone together; he'd been trying for weeks to get them to exchange a few pleasant words to each other. The end results and varied from "jackass" to "whore" and "dumbass" to "skank" and on and on and on.

"Nice to see you too." She comments dryly as she continues to flicker through a random health magazine. She's sitting crossed legged and looking perfectly content with the world as if she hadn't witnessed his almost death a few hours ago. Bitch.

"Thought you didn't like hospitals." He says when he can't think of anything else. Anything that wasn't an insult, anyways.

"I don't." She mutters and that's when he catches sight of the slightly trembling hands and the foot tapping.

He pause at this but then decides he's too tired to harass her about it. He'll do it tomorrow.

"Well, this is an awesome way to spend a birthday." She supplies when the silence goes on.

This catches his attention and before he knows it he's glancing over at her. "You get me a present?" He jokes and his throat constrict at the chuckle he tries to force out. Okay, not talking seems like a pretty good plan right about now.

Silence.

He meets her gaze and frowns at the hesitant look in her eyes.

"Don't go thinking too hard there Rubes, you might pull something."

Instead of responding with a cruel and cutting comment Ruby reaches into her jacket and pulls out a small brown bag. She fingers the bag for a few seconds before passing it over quickly. "Here. Take the stupid thing before I change my mind."

He takes the bag into his hands slowly and shakes it a bit. Once he hears the familiar crinkle of cellophane he pulls out his present and can't fight off the grin. Before him, in his hands, was a pack of licorice.

A nice, thick pack of black licorice. All those times he's bitched and whined at Sam to get him some licorice with no results and here it was. But it wasn't from Sam. It was from Ruby. Demon, snarky, blonde haired and bright eyed Ruby.

He blinks one, twice, thrice.

"Um thanks…I guess."

She shrugs but he can see her eyes sparkling and the trembling go down some.

She leans back into her chair and he leans back into his bed and the silence returns.

He opens the pack slowly, careful of his aches and passes her one. She takes it after a while and they go through the entire pack together in a matter of minutes. All the while, the stiff awkwardness refusing to leave.

When it's done and there's nothing left for them to do he focuses his attentions on the blank wall across from him.

"…Happy birthday shortbus."

"…Thanks Rubes."

(He'll remember later that it'd been in that moment that he'd felt the first of many tinges to come at the sight of her smile).


End file.
